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                    <text>JRn Empty Space af ETIestky Dust
Weston Chorak
If ever there was a great hypocrite of all the Earth, it was me. I always told you not to
procrastinate, and it took me three days after the funeral to actually pack up your things. I slept on

Monday, My Tuesday was spent awake in the insterstice of exhaustion and melancholic stupor, and

Wednesday was mostly answering calls and emails. I got myself up early on Thursday morning to get it
over with.

I must have stood in the doorway to your apartment for a long time. Two of your neighbors had
walked past me to go to work and they spent the whole time staring. The second at least gave me a nod.
Some sort of pity. The first had only watched with blank eyes void of concern and covered in a thin film of

annoyance.

Even in those few days, the air had filled with dust and cobweb, but the heavy chill echoed over

flashes of red and blue that still seemed to pour in through the window. I brought the flat boxes from
my car and I unfolded them and stacked them in a pile off to the side. I started to organize the clutter.

No matter how many times I said it, I don’t think you ever learned to keep your piles in order. At a certain
point, you were out of my house, so it didn't hurt me for you to leave your things scattered everywhere,
and I stopped mentioning it. I couldn’t step in any direction without having to watch for plates, or stacks
of papers, or old books of poetry. Sometimes, I would just stand there and look at them as they lay

sprawled on the carpet.

The funeral was busy. There must have been a few hundred people who came by. They didn’t really
talk to me, so they just stood there and I stood there and we listened to the quiet music. I even saw a few

of your old classmates from high school that said they hadn't talked to you in years, but they still showed

up, and 1 thanked them, I know you didn’t like crowds, but I think you would be happy to hear that people
were there. I left after everyone was gone and I threw my handful of dirt and watched my child's casket go

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down,

I taped up the boxes that were full. It was midday by then, and my mind posed, for the first
time this week, the question of food. I went out and locked the apartment. I was going to get lunch at a
sandwich shop downtown, but halfway there I decided I wasn’t hungry.
Before I went back, I spent my afternoon in the art gallery. Warm heat hung in the air and the

paintings dripped from walls painted in an Oxford tan. I cupped my hands to catch and drink from each
canvas while 1 sat on the benches. There weren’t enough works on display, I thought. The rooms stretched
tall and each canvas was wilting, contained within a space of mostly dust and faded classical music

ringing hollow through speakers behind the walls as rain pushed on the windows, I don't think 1 saw a

single other person the entire time.
I know you liked the gallery, but 1 could never find it in me to care for some old statues and

portraits. They seemed so still to me. Empty and vacuous. They were the dead fruits of dead men, and
if I reached out 1 thought they would crumble before I could even touch them. But 1 sat there a while
and 1 watched them move. I heard you in the brushstrokes. I watched you walk in the grasses of the
Netherlands and I sat with you and contemplated the nature of the stars above Athens, Birds sang

overhead and perched in canopy ceilings while deer grazed the cold tile. We watched as apples on a table

grew ripe and then fell to rot.
The city was rotting too. Exhaust consumed petrichor and all silence died in the flow of people
between their daily places, I walked back to the complex through swamps of wet concrete and grime,

through alleys of smoke and low fog. I wasn’t used to your key, and 1 fumbled for a minute unlocking the
door. It stuck twice before opening. The evening cast a dull blue glow through the blinds. I didn’t bother

with the lights or with locking the door after I closed it.

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I had been efficient in the morning. Almost everything from the center room and kitchen was
boxed already, the walls bare and unfurnished. I'd even started on the bedroom before I left. I spent the

evening packing the remainder of the things away, it was mostly the clothes and shoes from your closet
To be honest. I don't know what I'll do with them. It wouldn’t feel right to sell them or give them away, but

I don't have anywhere to keep them. I'll at least find a place for the pictures. I’ll keep your books as well. I
don't know why you loved the poems so much, but I know you did, so I'll do my best to take care of the lot.
It felt odd to be in your room. It was a box, the short ceiling leaning into an empty space of

mostly dust and air hissing behind the walls as saltwater leaked through the corners. It was a place I had
imagined countless times this week. I was myself, answering my phone. I was an officer, making the call

and noting the time on my watch. Sometimes, I was you, and I sat with my back against the door and I

wore your mask and held the valves and I breathed in nitrogen, I felt my skin go cold, and my vision grew

dark as I saw the blue in your face.

I spent most of today at the gallery. I sat and drank from each dripping canvas. I watched the sun
set over the Mediterranean and felt the winds of the Alps. I sat at the tables of kings and looked through

the windows of seaside diners. I watched my child walk away on a windswept forest trail under the falling
boughs of yellow leaves. I watched you fade into the distance. I waited as long as 1 could.
I'll be driving home tonight. I just wanted to say some things to you before I left. I think this is a

very nice spot, and it's right next to your mother, so I hope you don't mind it. I think she would want her
child to be with her. I think it would be nice to sleep under the oaks, and they cast a nice shade over you in

the mornings. I think I'll be buried here someday too.
I won't ask why you did this. Even if you could answer, I don't think I would ever understand, I

could read a thousand books of poetry and stare at a thousand old portraits and it wouldn’t change a

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thing. It doesn't even matter at this point does it? This is not a poem. The meaning of the words won’t
scrape the ink from the page. I just have to know you’re at peace.

The painted sky drips down as all the yellow turns to red and brown and fails away before me,
and I wish I could just sit here under these withering trees with you a while longer.

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                    <text>LisniEiak Space
Weston Chorak
I've looked at a screen for so much of my life that my dreams have pixels. They always start
feeling real, and I’m back sitting in the home I grew up in with quaint curtains and dust and a little clock
on the mantle of a fake fireplace that clicks offbeat with the passing of seconds. Stale air and distant

rattling behind the vent grille push me further into the chair while my head vibrates, I’m falling back into
memories of yellowed carpet and sickly green lampshades when it all melts into a datamoshed slush pile
of fetid encryption and broken glass. I think It's cruel. I live every damn day of my life plugged into this
diseased world, and I can't even escape it in sleep.

1 work in tech. Went straight from my degree to a remote back-end programming job for a
startup you’ve never heard of. I clock in every day for ten hours to work on our shitty chatbot app and

then spend the rest of the day browsing social media. A bartender for faceless alcoholic engines getting
off work to blow his paycheck on cheap digital booze and short-form crack cocaine. I can see it in my eyes

when I look in the mirror. They’ve got those same dark rings under them with glossy redness filling each
iris.

It’s always the eyes that tell. I don't leave my apartment often, but when I do, I can see who else

has the sickness. Most peoples' eyes say something. 1 don't make eye contact enough, they say, but their

eyes yell at me if I do, so I look down and walk past. The eyes of my father tell me THINGS THE DEMOCRATS

DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW with the same voice as my roommate when his eyes tell me of DIGITAL MEAT
MARKETS - WATCH SEXY XXX VIDEO NOW NOW NOW, I try not to speak to either of them. 1 just work and

browse before going back to sleep.
I always dream back to times of youth, There was a weight to it that the distance has lifted, i
never remember the pains and frustrations of growing up tn a world that hates itself. I remember the

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�LiminalSpace

image of a time when 1 did not have to care. I dream and I’m on a subway train going home from school. I

saw snow from windows walking down to the station and I know there's a dark cold waiting on the walk
home. Beside the door, there was a girl who sat there. She went to the same school and she rode the
same way I did every day but got off one stop before me. I remember the backpack she wore off her side

with a half-torn arm strap and the way her eyes would speak. They told me QUIZ - WHAT MENTAL DISORDER
DO I HAVE, They asked THE FIVE SIGNS THAT YOU AREN’T GETTING ENOUGH SUNLIGHT and pleaded for BEST
HOME REMEDIES FOR SEASONAL DEPRESSION. I sit in the dream and watch her leave at the stop before mine

and I’m left alone in an empty train and its hissing silence.

Yesterday, after nearly two weeks inside, I went to the supermarket. It was getting dark and
I was tired and hungry, but the fridge was empty other than old ketchup and bitter milk. It was a quiet
night. I drove a road dark and twisting, my headlights the only glow save a moonless sky of stars and the

reflections of stop signs. Grass dropped steep from the side of the street, and it was as though I drove a
freeway orbiting the Earth, with nothing aside to catch me should I drift off to sleep, the endless crackle
of radio, a lullaby punctuated by stings of corporate pop music when it caught bits of a signal, and gone

again in a moment. I pulled into a mostly empty lot and locked the car and went into the store.

I walked the back aisles. The food was mostly unappealing. I stood for a while and considered
the various bags of Doritos in different colors, crouching to reach the ones on the bottom shelf and grab

them. I felt to see how full they were and put them back. I walked to the next aisle. There was a person

in this one. Familiar. An older face wore a demeanor I knew. We were friends, I think. Back in high school.
We liked the same music. When it hurt, he would drive us around town and we'd just talk for hours and
it didn't make it better but we did it anyway. I looked at his eyes as he glanced up. Plain eyes. No words.

They watched mute and went back down and he walked away with a few cans and 1 was left alone in an

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empty supermarket aisle with the lights turned low that stretched on further than I could see. Always

empty. Clicking of a clock and rattling of fishplate on steel rails. The floor starts to move and takes me

home to that same chair under green lampshades and adrift in a sea of yellow carpet. I know I’m watching
it through a television, It’s playing the same home video on repeat but the remote is gone and I don’t dare

pull the plug. It all wastes away eventually to a mass of faded grain and I wake up to the start of it all
again.

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                    <text>UespbEie
Weston Chorak
Over there are the roots of trees, the empty dwellings of birds and snakes. The low light of dusk

fades through currents of falling snow. It trembles under the shaky breaths of mountain wind.
He looks at me with the eyes of a wasp seizing and convulsing over a half-eaten moth, and

coughs before falling and vomiting into the slush. He is an angry man. It's the difference between myself
and men like him, I do not look at people intent on finding fault. I am passive. An observer. He beats his will

against the asphalt until it is broken and bloody,

1 should have known it when I saw him on the roadside. His hands had no gloves, shaking, and the
mailbox would not stay closed. A thick black coat over a yellow flannel shirt and no hat to cover his red

ears. He fumbled with a hammer, and dropped it as he pulled nails from his pocket. He was swearing to
himself when I slowed down and parked off the road, took my keys from the ignition, and opened the door.
I had no wish to spend my night under the faded light of the hazy mountain nightfall. I knew he

did not either. I walked over to him.

He struggled to hold a nail against the front of the box and hammer it in. With the first swing
of the hammer, he knocked the nail down to the ground and muttered again. I do not understand why

he would have a mailbox without a means of closing it and keeping it closed when he lives on a windy
mountain, nor can I imagine why he would be worried about keeping an empty mailbox closed anyways.
And what would he do when he needed to open it again? It seemed to me such a fruitless and foolish task.
I did not say that to him, though. I approached with a friendly grimace and asked if I could do anything to

help.
He turned to me. His face was a reminder that it was no longer a gentle summer afternoon. A

190

Expression Magazine

�Vespine

reminder I did not want. The dry freeze of November hung in the air without remorse, as rough as his

quivering breath and as cold as his stiff smile.

It takes a certain kind of man to meet kindness with annoyance, and even a parasite doesn't
reject a willing host. I don't shrug away help with a sneer. I meet it with gratitude. It’s what separates men

like him from myself. Of course, I don't see myself as a Samaritan. I am a watcher only of the irrelevant,
a keeper only of things that do not matter. But I help when I can. When I offer my help, I can't stop myself
from feeling bitter if my efforts are wasted. I would not sacrifice my time for a false gratitude.
I was not angry with this man. My love for my countrymen is unhindered, my anger without ill will,

my frustration without enmity. But he saw it in the twitch of my eye, the fracture of my expression. He

saw it in the hiding of my teeth behind closed lips. I saw it in his face when I told him I didn't have time for
an asshole like him before turning to leave.

He knocked me down into the muddy snow and as I turned and lifted my arms he swung the
hammer across my cheek and it cracked loudly. He lifted it and brought down the claw to my face,

swinging again and again with clumsy imprecision. Even as the hammer was stuck in my eye, he ripped it
out and swung again, missing my face and grazing my ear before it slipped from his hand. He was shaking.

If you watch the snow growing on the asphalt, you will see it breathe. It is ragged and heavy. Its
heartbeat shakes without rhythm and the blue arteries that run through it pulse under the moonlight.

It was then that he became sick, and now he lifts his head before looking at me and vomiting
again. He wipes his face and stands. There is nothing behind the black webs on his eyes. He’s thinking

of what to do now, but he knows it doesn’t matter. He will never escape the craving and thirst that

65th Edition

191

�I
1
J
V^ne

perpetuate his existence. That's the thing about men like him. They're like wasps. They will spread their
venom wherever they go until they are crushed on the asphalt by the heel of a boot. His body is helpless,

stuck with a parasitic mind that is slowly killing itself through pure instinct, and he will only know
suffering.
My mind is free of sorrow, It flows in the veins of the mountain and breathes with the heartbeat

of the snow.

192

Expression Magazine

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