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                    <text>Li£y
Tyler Cooper
Non-Fiction
"When you bring home a dog, you bring home a tragedy.” This is
something my English professor and I always joked about in class. 1 don’t
remember where the quote is from. John Steinbeck I think? I really don’t
remember, but I know it’s true. There’s always some sort of heartbreak in it. I
mean you bring home this little baby right? You give it a name, you get up every
two hours to take it to the bathroom, clean it up when you forget to take it out,
and watch it grow. Eventually, it develops its own personality and you give it
nicknames. You take it to the park, you love it, you know? It does things to
piss you off too. Like pissing in the house, biting your toes for no reason at all,
eating unattended plates, and getting mud all over your couch while it just sits
there like, “Hey! Yeah I did this! Now you're gonna clean this up?” as you clean
the mess, swearing and grunting. These are all things my dog, Lily, did.

She was a little West Highland Terrier with white fur, little bead eyes,
and stains around the mouth, the stereotypical white person's lap dog, She had
a personality to her, and no, not the “Oh she watches tv with us,” thing that ail
dog owners claim. She was sorta mean, she wouldn't bark or bite you, no, but
she would glare at you, even sigh when you tried to talk to her. The best way I
can describe her was like that one coworker that would say “I'm just way too
good for this place,” then refuse to roll silverware. Lily was also spoiled beyond
belief by my mom. She would get her faux diamond collars, paint her nails, and
despite my protest, whole rotisserie chickens. Meanwhile, my mom wouldn’t
spend a dime on my tuition, but this dog was going abroad for her art history
degree. Was there resentment? Yes. yes I resented a dog that got more love
than me. So with all the sighs, toe biting, and goddamn rotisserie chickens, we
didn't get along.
I remember the night I got the call. It was March 2nd, 2023, and it was
a horrible night. Winter was making its desperate last push against Spring, as
it always does in Wyoming. Hard shinny ice was still embedded into the road
making travel both annoying and dangerous—if you didn't pay attention in
some areas you could end up as a road marker. The wind made the ice more
intimidating. Wind at this time of year seems extra vindictive. It hates anything
that's not moving at the same speed. Like a New Yorker in a rush, it will push
over small school kids, grandmas, and even oilmen breaking all their tailbones.
All while whistling, being loud, and screaming, “get out the way.” The full moon

silently observed and seemed to give a blue hue to the ice and the feeling of a

CdLtlonlite.'iatu.'u.

XXXI

�gothic mystery to the whistling of the wind, making every move a little slower
and sadder, it's nights like this that make you realize we are one shut down
highway from being the frontier again. I was at the gym, trying my hardest to
lose weight and forget the hetlscape outside, while also trying to put off editing
my English midterm. I'd get it done, it might be close to the deadline but I’d get
it done.
I was only in there for about twenty minutes before I got the call from
my dad. 1 was expecting an update, my mom had taken Lily to the late night
vet about an hour before. She had fed Lily a potato, she was choking on it. This
was the third time this had happened. I always told my mom she could avoid
this by one, not feeding the dog potatoes, and two, actually cutting the food
into swallowable pieces. I expected my dad to call and tell me that they made
it home and that the vet gave her the same two guidelines 1 gave her, with a

similar tone of annoyance.
"Hey dad. let me guess, don't feed the dog potatoes?" Who would
have thought?
“No, Ty, No.” He was worried, almost crying. My dad loved that dog the
same way my mom did but he wouldn't react like this unless it was bad. “Your
mom, uh, oh my God, Ty. Your mom is up at the vet with Lily, and I guess it's—"
He started crying the way all strong men cry, trying his best to hold it together

before his stoicism left, "I uh, I guess it's really bad.”
"Wait, wait hold on, what’s wrong with her?" I asked slowly, trying
to soothe him. He let out a deep breath regaining his composure enough to

speak.

"They can't get the potato out. They don't have the um, the scope arm
thingy." Here was my statue of a dad, a guy who no matter what stood stoically
and logically in front of any problem, now blubbering and struggling to breath.
"Dad, do you need me horn—”

“She needs someone up there with her, Ty. 1,1 can’t Ty. I guess Lily
has tubes in her and—” His efforts to keep some resemblance of strength
collapsed. "I can't see her like that, Ty! I'm not strong enough, I just can’t."
He said this last part in a guttural sob. I tried my best to comfort him. I got the
address, it was only two minutes away from the gym. I was pissed off, at my
mom for feeding the dog a goddamn potato, my dad for not “manning up" like
he always told me too, and at the fucking dog for taking up more attention in

both their worlds. But I loved my mom so 1 went to console her.
I pulled up to the overnight vet. It was a small place in a strip mall
meant for emergencies, not general care. I got out of the car feeling the harsh
XXXII

Exfiession Magazine.

�Li£^

push of the wind telling me to get a move on, while trying to negotiate with the
ice under my feet to give me some traction. I opened the door to the vet, and
I was immediately greeted with the dominant smell of rubber and antiseptic.
The place had a minimalist design, white walls with one solitary decoration
of a picture with a family laughing at a park with their dog—it was the perfect
corporate atmosphere. However, the human screams of grief overpowered the
soulless building. My mother was sitting with her head in her hands. Hair messy
and tangled with reading glasses somewhere in the jumble, skin flush red with
pain and anguish, and wearing plaid pajamas with New Balance sneakers. I
could feel the d in the air touch my skin. I approached my mom and she lunged
at me for an embrace. When her mom died it was a simple inconvenience, a
sad thing she had to move on from, but the dog was a tragedy.
“Day, day wan’ to,” she sputtered out and let out another cry that
sounded more like a scream. Between the quick breaths and tears she finally
spoke.

“I fed her a potato and it was too big. I thought she would swallow it,
but it's stuck in her throat.” She barely pushed out.
“Then why don't they get it out? Can’t they just reach in and grab it?" I
asked, frustrated.
Before she could give an answer the door to the operating room
opened. There standing in the doorway was a man six feet four inches tall with
a heavily muscled build barely contained in gray scrubs. Resting on his face
was a peppered beard and a look of exhaustion and annoyance. This “vet”
looked like the next ladder champ for the WWE. His ring name was probably
something like “The Neuter.” In his deep voice he introduced himself and invited
me into the operating room to update me on the situation.

"The problem is, we can't get the potato. It's too far down, I’m sorry,
what's it's name again?” He asked me.
“Lily.” I told him.

"Right, right. Well, the problem is this. It's too far down into her throat
so we can't get it by hand or do the ol’ patting on the back trick for babies.
Now if we had an endocrine scope we could. It’s basically this little camera with
a hook on it, but the thing is,” he was trying to explain the complicated process
to me, but my attention drifted to the scene behind him. On her back with legs
sprawled out was Lily. Her stomach poked out in bloat, on a regular sized dog
it would look normal, but for Lily’s size it seemed like she would pop open.
Common for dogs choking to death I hear. They somehow got a breathing
tube down her throat, which was powered by a system of pumps and screens

64tk EditLonLLU'tatn'te

XXXIII

�U£y

that all clicked and beeped a tone of reality. I didn't feel anyoned anymore, I felt
what best could be described as sudden sobriety. My mom’s dog was dying in

the most horrific way possible.
"Even if we did have one I don't think we could get it.”

“I'm sorry what?” 1 asked him.
"I said, even if we did have a scope to get it out I don’t think it would
matter.”

“What, why? Is it just too undercooked or what? What is it?”
“Look, I think you know how much your mom loves this dog. She loves
her so much that this is the third time we’ve had to do this. The reason we
can't just get it out is because of how many times we, 1, have had to do this.
Every time that dog chokes on something it creates some scar tissue, every
time she recovers that hole gets smaller and smaller. This might be the time

where it doesn't come out.”
“I get what you're saying. I’ll scold her more later, but she loves this
dog. There aren’t any other scopes in town we could take her to?” He put his
hand up to his beard to think for a moment. I always hated that dog, but 1 loved
my mom way more, and 1 couldn’t see her like this.

“There's one in Wheatland, 1 can call ahead and have them ready for
you. You're gonna have to drive smoothly so she doesn't wake up. That's
going to be hard considering the wind, but it’s possible. If she wakes up she will

choke to death.”
"Ok, let's do that. I'll speed down there, be the hero, and i’ll scold her

for your sake and mine.” His face soured when I said this.
“Don't risk your life over a dog, be careful of the wind and ice. Also,
prepare yourself for the possibility that this dog dies on the way there. You’re
going to have to tell your mom, and comfort her.” I took a beat to think about
this. This dog was still getting better treatment than me and my mom was
going to keep spoiling her to death, literally. I thought in the moment that I was
trying to prove myself. Trying to prove to my mom that I loved her, that she
should love me more, and that this dog was too spoiled. The truth was I just

wanted to get back at the two of them for the emotional neglect inflicted.

I told my mom the plan, and we got ready. We took my mom’s car, a
2020 mercedes that she got on my 16th birthday. This dog's ambulance was a
goddamn mercedes. My mom sat in the back to watch over Lily, and we were
off. Driving 20 miles over the speed limit we were on track to make good time.
Somehow, on the highway there seemed to be no ice, and the wind suddenly

XXXIV

Exp'usslon. Magazine

�stopped, all that remained was the glow of the moon. Even God was going
to spoil this dog. We drove in complete silence as to not wake the dog which
gave me time to think.

My whole life I was always second place in my mom’s eyes. My older
sister, my aunt, my dad, and Lily. She loved me, sure, but it was always a
second class kind of love. She was absent at my plays and concerts, missed
dentist appointments, and even Christmas. The more and more I thought about
it, it became clear I was doing this out of spite.

When we got to the new vet, an hour early, we rushed Lily in and they
got to work. Despite staying at that vet until 3 in the morning, they couldn't

get it out. Still determined, I asked if there was anywhere else that could. They
gave us a referral to a place in Denver. We held her overnight, I emailed all
my professors that I would be missing class, and we found a Super 8.1 had
chocolate milk for dinner.
We drove all the way to Denver with a much healthier dog but one
that still needed help. We found a vet that could do an operation. It would be
$8,000, something my mom couldn't afford. Defeated, we got a hotel and
weighed our options. My mom said that she wasn't killing her baby and she
didn't. The morning after, we got a call from my aunt who was frantically looking
for a scope to get this fuckin’ potato out, she had found one. It was at a vet a
block away from our house, so we rushed back.
Lily looked at me differently on the way back to Casper. It wasn't an
annoyed look, it was one of love and thanks, gratitude. At least that’s what
I like to think. When we dropped her off to the new place my mom seemed
genuinely thankful. She said she loved me, and she meant it. She called me her
hero.

I woke up the next day, after getting much needed sleep and went to
school. I did feel like a hero for this, I’m sorry. I bragged to everyone how good
of a son I was. I saved the family pet. I got a call at lunch from my sister.
It wasn't a potato, but an infection in her throat. She was slowly being
poisoned to death. No scope could get that out. That dog died in my arms
because my mom couldn't hold her when she had to be put down. She felt
heavy.

A year later I still see Lily's paw prints in the backyard, I find hidden toys
and old diamond collars. I miss her. I realize now that all the late nights taking
her out, cleaning up after her, getting her collars and treats, was how I loved
her. All the high pitched barks and toe bites were her way of saying she loved
me.

6^tii CdUhinLUi'iatM.'ii

XXXV

�litif

brought home a tragedy, a six year long, slow burning, tragedy that
I didn't appreciate enough. My mom still acts the same. I'm still second. We
did find some improvement in our relationship from the whole experience. She
does appreciate what I did, but you can’t break habits like her’s. Two weeks
after Lily passed my mom sent me a text:
It was a picture of a dog that looked like Lily, same breed, appearance,
and build, but a puppy. She told me she was picking up Sophie, her new
tragedy, in a month.

XXXVI

Exf'tessian Magazine

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                    <text>LisniEiak Space
Weston Chorak
I've looked at a screen for so much of my life that my dreams have pixels. They always start
feeling real, and I’m back sitting in the home I grew up in with quaint curtains and dust and a little clock
on the mantle of a fake fireplace that clicks offbeat with the passing of seconds. Stale air and distant

rattling behind the vent grille push me further into the chair while my head vibrates, I’m falling back into
memories of yellowed carpet and sickly green lampshades when it all melts into a datamoshed slush pile
of fetid encryption and broken glass. I think It's cruel. I live every damn day of my life plugged into this
diseased world, and I can't even escape it in sleep.

1 work in tech. Went straight from my degree to a remote back-end programming job for a
startup you’ve never heard of. I clock in every day for ten hours to work on our shitty chatbot app and

then spend the rest of the day browsing social media. A bartender for faceless alcoholic engines getting
off work to blow his paycheck on cheap digital booze and short-form crack cocaine. I can see it in my eyes

when I look in the mirror. They’ve got those same dark rings under them with glossy redness filling each
iris.

It’s always the eyes that tell. I don't leave my apartment often, but when I do, I can see who else

has the sickness. Most peoples' eyes say something. 1 don't make eye contact enough, they say, but their

eyes yell at me if I do, so I look down and walk past. The eyes of my father tell me THINGS THE DEMOCRATS

DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW with the same voice as my roommate when his eyes tell me of DIGITAL MEAT
MARKETS - WATCH SEXY XXX VIDEO NOW NOW NOW, I try not to speak to either of them. 1 just work and

browse before going back to sleep.
I always dream back to times of youth, There was a weight to it that the distance has lifted, i
never remember the pains and frustrations of growing up tn a world that hates itself. I remember the

65th Edition

169

�LiminalSpace

image of a time when 1 did not have to care. I dream and I’m on a subway train going home from school. I

saw snow from windows walking down to the station and I know there's a dark cold waiting on the walk
home. Beside the door, there was a girl who sat there. She went to the same school and she rode the
same way I did every day but got off one stop before me. I remember the backpack she wore off her side

with a half-torn arm strap and the way her eyes would speak. They told me QUIZ - WHAT MENTAL DISORDER
DO I HAVE, They asked THE FIVE SIGNS THAT YOU AREN’T GETTING ENOUGH SUNLIGHT and pleaded for BEST
HOME REMEDIES FOR SEASONAL DEPRESSION. I sit in the dream and watch her leave at the stop before mine

and I’m left alone in an empty train and its hissing silence.

Yesterday, after nearly two weeks inside, I went to the supermarket. It was getting dark and
I was tired and hungry, but the fridge was empty other than old ketchup and bitter milk. It was a quiet
night. I drove a road dark and twisting, my headlights the only glow save a moonless sky of stars and the

reflections of stop signs. Grass dropped steep from the side of the street, and it was as though I drove a
freeway orbiting the Earth, with nothing aside to catch me should I drift off to sleep, the endless crackle
of radio, a lullaby punctuated by stings of corporate pop music when it caught bits of a signal, and gone

again in a moment. I pulled into a mostly empty lot and locked the car and went into the store.

I walked the back aisles. The food was mostly unappealing. I stood for a while and considered
the various bags of Doritos in different colors, crouching to reach the ones on the bottom shelf and grab

them. I felt to see how full they were and put them back. I walked to the next aisle. There was a person

in this one. Familiar. An older face wore a demeanor I knew. We were friends, I think. Back in high school.
We liked the same music. When it hurt, he would drive us around town and we'd just talk for hours and
it didn't make it better but we did it anyway. I looked at his eyes as he glanced up. Plain eyes. No words.

They watched mute and went back down and he walked away with a few cans and 1 was left alone in an

170

Expression Magazine

�Liminal Space

empty supermarket aisle with the lights turned low that stretched on further than I could see. Always

empty. Clicking of a clock and rattling of fishplate on steel rails. The floor starts to move and takes me

home to that same chair under green lampshades and adrift in a sea of yellow carpet. I know I’m watching
it through a television, It’s playing the same home video on repeat but the remote is gone and I don’t dare

pull the plug. It all wastes away eventually to a mass of faded grain and I wake up to the start of it all
again.

65th Edition

171

�</text>
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            <name>Date Created</name>
            <description>Date of creation of the resource.</description>
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                <text>1926</text>
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            <name>Description</name>
            <description>An account of the resource</description>
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                <text>Digital data set of the Post Route Map of the State of Wyoming showing post offices with intermediate distances on mail routes in operation on the 1st of November 1926 under the direction and leadership of Post Master General Harry S. New.</text>
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            <name>Type</name>
            <description>The nature or genre of the resource</description>
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                <text>Image</text>
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            <name>Creator</name>
            <description>An entity primarily responsible for making the resource</description>
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                <text>Post Office Department of the United States of America</text>
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            <name>Language</name>
            <description>A language of the resource</description>
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              <elementText elementTextId="6275">
                <text>ENG</text>
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          <element elementId="43">
            <name>Identifier</name>
            <description>An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context</description>
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                <text>SC 01.2024.01_LincolnCounty</text>
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            <name>Format</name>
            <description>The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource</description>
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                <text>JPG</text>
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